Grey Eyes
by Black Hawk
Summary: "James couldn't help him now. The only people who could were downstairs, happy to pretend he didn't even exist." Sirius struggles to hold on to himself while his heart is entangled in the intoxicating joys and tortures of love.
1. Chase

**Grey Eyes**

**1. Chase**

When they were eleven, they played tag around the school grounds, ducking behind pillars and sprinting down halls. McGonagall noticed the habit early on and tried to make sure an adult was always near at hand in case one of them were injured. The two were reckless. Annie had a habit of climbing to get out of Sirius' reach, and Sirius had a habit of trying to lose Annie by dodging behind teachers and scary-looking older teens.

James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew often watched the boy who shared their dormitory with thinly-veiled envy. James especially looked as if he wanted to join in the game but was held back by the conceit of it being too childish. Most of the other children were of the same opinion, which was why Sirius played with Annie, a Slytherin.

Leaving his brother Regulus, who was scarcely a year younger, had been the hardest thing Sirius had ever done. He cried for three nights straight after arriving at Hogwarts, hiding behind his bed curtains so that the others couldn't see him. But they heard. Regulus was his other half for his parents had raised them like twins. Though they wrote to each other nearly every day, it wasn't the same, and the fact that no one else liked to play with him made Sirius even more miserable. So when Sirius had asked Annie to play tag and she'd said yes, he'd loved her for it.

Sirius' cousins Narcissa and Bellatrix, for their part, seemed embarrassed by their younger cousin's childish antics but at the very least, they approved of his choice of playmate. Being Slytherins themselves, they had never been able to fathom how their own flesh and blood had found his way into Gryffindor. Bellatrix mostly figured it was a sign of his inferior intellect, an assumption which was affirmed to her every time he tried to hide behind her as Annie chased him.

"Get off!" Bellatrix shrieked as Sirius climbed the half wall behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders so that he could leer over her head, sticking his tongue out at Annie. "Sirius!"

"What?" the boy answered with a giggle.

Bellatrix yanked the boy's hands off her shoulders which made him topple on top of her in mid-taunt. Bellatrix snarled as Annie and Narcissa laughed. "You rotten little toadstool!" Bellatrix yanked him off the half wall behind her and shoved him onto the ground. No sooner did his feet hit the cobblestone than he took off again with Annie on his heels.

Narcissa was still laughing so her sister fixed her with an accusatory glare. "Well at least he's not with one of them," Narcissa said, jerking her head towards the three Gryffindors Sirius shared a dorm with.

"She's Irish."

Narcissa's smile faded. "She's pure."

"No Irish are pure if you ask me," Bellatrix muttered as she adjusted her robes.

Sirius sprinted down the hallway of the courtyard, ignoring Professor McGonagall's shriek for him to slow down. Annie's robes whipped against the professor's as she tried to catch up with her quarry, her dirty blonde hair bouncing behind her.

McGonagall could see what was about to happen before the children did. Sirius had made a beeline for Lucius Malfoy, who already had a sneer on his face as he saw the boy approach. Sirius was looking over his shoulder at Annie and missed the expression on the older boy's face, so he had no warning. As he darted past Lucius, the sixth-year subtly stuck out his foot, tripping Sirius at the top of a set of stairs. "Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall shouted as Sirius fell headfirst and disappeared down the stairs with a cry. Lucius turned to the head of Gryffindor with an expression of mock shock.

"Sirius!" Annie cried as she skidded to a halt at the top of the stairs.

McGonagall shoved her way past the two Slytherins and spotted Sirius struggling to sit up on the flagstone. The stairs were stone and led to a section of the garden with a fountain meant to be a quiet retreat. She could already tell that the boy's cheek was bleeding and she hiked up her skirts before hurrying down to assist him. "Mr. Black," she said quietly, resting her hand on the back of his shoulder.

Instead of shrugging her off with a laugh, Sirius coughed then sucked in such a lungful of air that she knew the wind had been knocked out of him. Once he could breathe, he let out a quiet whimper and McGonagall could see tears pooling in his eyes.

She whipped her head to the top of the stairs. "Well, don't just stand there, _Prefect_ Malfoy! Fetch Madam Pomfrey!"

"Yes, Professor," Lucius said with a small smile. He didn't budge from his place as if was reveling in the younger boy's misery. Sirius let out a small sob and curled his leg into his chest, trying to see his knee. McGonagall could already see blood staining the black of his trousers and helped Sirius up by the arm. He felt too shaky to stand so she guided him towards the stairs to sit. Sirius wiped at his cheek as he slowly hobbled beside her, and the action made Lucius guffaw. "He's crying," Lucius said in shock. "He's actually crying."

There was a snort from his side and both Sirius and McGonagall looked up to see Annie biting her lip, trying to keep from laughing. One look from Sirius' glistening eyes, however, and she burst out in a fit of giggles that quickly spread among the Slytherins present.

"It's not funny!" a child's voice called and James Potter pushed past Annie and Lucius to look down at the two. "Professor, Peter has gone to tell Madam Pomfrey."

McGonagall nodded. "Thank you, Mr. Potter." She returned her attention to Sirius who was now staring ahead looking for all the world as if he were trying to stop the crystalline tears slipping silently down his cheeks. She gently rolled up his trouser leg and winced at the bloody mess of his knee. Though he tensed and another tear escaped, he didn't make a sound or move to try to stop her. James was doing what he could to disperse the crowd at the top of the stairs. When the head of house finished examining her student's wounded knee, she looked up into his face and saw rosy cheeks an knew that the shame of having cried in front of other students, and the embarrassment of having Annie laugh at him, would sting much longer than the abrasion on his leg. "It's not how we fall, Mr. Black," McGonagall said quietly. She waited for the boy to meet her blue gaze with his grey. "It is how we pick ourselves back up that shows our true character."

Sirius took a deep, shaky breath and let it out, and she could tell by the clarity in his eyes that he understood her.

"You alright?" James asked as he hopped down the steps and plopped down on the third next to Sirius.

Sirius nodded, bearing up against the pain enough to start to compose himself again.

"I fell like that once," James continued in a cheery, conversational tone. "Hit my head at the bottom of the stairs, though. That's why I can be a little… daft at times." James tried a tentative smile and was rewarded with one from Sirius. "Sometimes I even forget my name," James added with a chuckle.

McGonagall slowly straightened, watching the interaction between the two, realizing that they were becoming friends before her eyes.

"No you don't," was Sirius' hoarse reply.

"Do, too," James insisted. "You're lucky you didn't hit your head."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed with a sniffle before wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.

Peter returned with Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall stepped aside to allow the healer attend to her student. The rest of the students dispersed as classes resumed, but after looking to McGonagall for approval, James stayed behind, still sharing the step with Sirius.

Pomfrey looked over Sirius' injuries then pulled out a cleaning salve. "I must warn you, Mr. Black. This will hurt."

Sirius hesitated a moment then nodded, clenching his jaw in anticipation. Pomfrey doused his knee with the solution and Sirius tensed but didn't make a sound. Out of the corner of her eye, McGonagall spotted James rest his hand over the other boy's as Pomfrey poured the solution on his knee again.

From that moment on, the two boys were inseparable, and Sirius never played with Annie again.

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	2. Incendio

**Grey Eyes**

**2. Incendio**

In his fourth year at Hogwarts, just before Christmas, Sirius was returning from Herbology, walking alone across school grounds when Severus ambushed him. The Slytherin boy relished any opportunity to face one of Potter's friends alone, and this time, he had Bellatrix with him as backup. Sirius slowed as the two revealed themselves, slipping out from behind a tree. "Well, well, well," Severus drawled.

Bellatrix smiled. "If it isn't my dear cousin."

Sirius flicked the seventh and fourth year a brief look of distaste before continuing on his way.

"Not so cocky without Potter to back you up, are you?" Severus asked, falling into step behind the young man.

"What's that, Snivellus?" Sirius said without sparing the other boy a look. "I can't understand you. Your voice is too nasal."

"Your mother's looking forward to seeing you," Bellatrix said lyrically. Sirius paused at that and turned to look at his cousin as she sauntered up to him. "She's been absolutely _desperate_ to get her hands on you ever since she heard about your little spat with Regulus."

"That was nothing," Sirius replied, the chilly wind whipping his black hair about his face.

"Oh, Sirius," Bellatrix crooned, leaning in close. "Don't you see? That was _every_thing. You know how your mother favors her baby boy."

"I didn't –"

"You really think your side of the story matters? Regulus has already written home about how his horrid older brother embarrassed him in front of the whole school."

Sirius clenched his jaw. He'd hardly seen Regulus all school year and desperately missed his brother. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him. "That wasn't my intention."

"Wasn't it?" Severus asked. "Why would a Slytherin ever willingly eat with the Gryffindors?"

"Because I'm his brother. We're meant to stick together. I only thought he might –"

"Might what? Enjoy being laughed at by all of Slytherin for eating at the Gryffindor table?" Bellatrix cut him off. "Honestly, Sirius, your stupidity never ceases to astound me."

"How's that teeth cleaning going?" Sirius shot back. "Having much progress yet? Looks like you missed a spot everywhere."

Bellatrix cackled. "Is that the best you can do? Oh my poor little cousin, you're a lamb to the slaughter."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned on his heel, marching back towards the castle.

Bellatrix's dark eyes grew wide. "Don't turn your back on me," she growled. Sirius ignored her and kept walking. "Sirius Black, don't you ever turn your back on me!" When Sirius still didn't stop, Bellatrix whipped out her wand. "_Incendio_!"

Sirius hardly had time to drop to the ground before the jet of flame plumed over his head, singing the back of his robes. "Bella!" Severus shouted, grabbing his friend's arm and forcing her to end the spell.

Sirius rolled over, his robes smoking, and couldn't hide the surprise on his face. The shock that his own family, his old playmate, had just tried to seriously maim him was only just beginning to nibble at his heart.

Bellatrix yanked her arm out of Snape's gasp and pointed it at Sirius again. "Stupe –"

"Protego!" Sirius countered, blocking her stunning spell that would've rendered him unconscious.

Bellatrix yowled in frustration and raised her wand again. Before she could utter the curse, however, a pair of legs blocked her from Sirius' view as someone stepped between them, shielding his prostrate form. "Enough, Bella." Sirius knew that voice. He squinted in the overcast light and caught a glimpse of Annie's dirty blonde hair.

"Out of my way, O'Hare," Bellatrix growled.

"Go pack your things," Annie countered. "The train leaves soon."

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes, as if she was considering hexing the fourth year Slytherin girl. Severus caught the look in her eye and tugged on her arm once more. "She's right. Let's go." Bellatrix didn't move for several seconds until she at last spun on her heels and marched back towards the courtyard. After sparing the other two one last glance, Severus followed her.

Once they were several paces away, Annie turned back to Sirius and stuck out a hand to help him up. "You all right?"

Sirius took her hand and climbed to his feet, his robes still smoking slightly. "Yes, I am, thank you."

To his surprise, Annie pulled on the back of his robes, checking to make sure he hadn't been burned. "Good luck getting the stench out," she said with a smirk as she let go. He'd forgotten how husky her voice could be.

Sirius smiled sheepishly, trying to hide the fact that now that his heart was no longer hammering, the hurt of his cousin's aggression was beginning to weaken his armor.

The smile didn't seem to fool Annie who folded her arms over her chest, fixing him with a worried look. "Didn't see that one coming, did you?"

He shook his head. "Should've, though."

"She's failing all her classes. She'll be lucky if she graduates. Spends all her time studying the Dark Arts."

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. "We haven't been close in years. I suppose I ought to have expected as much."

Annie shrugged. The pale sunlight was catching the specks of orange in her eyes, making them glow like flecks of amber amidst the brown. Sirius found it hard to reconcile his image of the girl who had laughed at him from the top of the stairs with the young woman before him. "Can't choose your family, you know?"

He nodded, raking his hair back.

Annie glanced about as more students began to meander out of the school. "Well, seeya then. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas."

Annie smiled then headed back towards the castle.

"Annie?"

She paused and looked at him over her shoulder, trying to tuck her hair behind her ear as it fluttered.

"Thank you."

Annie smiled then let out a small laugh. "Seeya, boyo." She winked then resumed her walk.

A corner of Sirius' lip slowly lifted in a smirk as he felt a brief light amid the turmoil in his breast. Annie O'Hare, the girl who had laughed at his fall down the stairs, was flirting with him.

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	3. Stinging

**Grey Eyes**

**3. Stinging**

When Sirius returned home for Christmas, his mother struck him on the cheek in front of everyone on Platform 9 ¾. Before he could ask her what was wrong with her, James Potter's voice rent the air. "Don't you touch him!"

"James," Mrs. Potter hissed as her son yanked out of her embrace and ran towards his friend. Mr. Potter rested a hand on his wife's shoulder before following his son, Mrs. Potter trailing behind. She knew from his letters and stories that her son was friends with the smaller boy, but given how strict Sirius' parents were, she had never been able to say hello for more than a few moments at a time. Being a pureblood herself, she knew well the ancient, maniacal philosophy of the Blacks and often wished her son hadn't befriended one. Now he was about to meddle with one of the most powerful Wizarding families in history. "James," she hissed again.

Walburga Black had her hand raised to strike her son again but her large, dark eyes were fixed on the other fourteen-year-old marching up to her. "I beg your _pardon_?"

James narrowed his eyes as he neared. "I said leave him alone."

"I fail to see how this is any of your business," Walburga hissed.

"I apologize for my son," Mrs. Potter said, catching up, resting a hand on James' shoulder. He shrugged it off. "He's… impulsive." James shot his mother a betrayed look.

"Indeed," Walburga said, straightening and adjusting her high collar.

Sirius' hand had fallen away from his stinging cheek but knew better than to look at anyone lest his mother think he was taking sides.

"Sirius, are you all right?" James asked, touching his friends' elbow in an attempt to get his attention.

Sirius shot him a brief glance through his long bangs, nodding ever so slightly.

"Mrs. Potter," Walburga said imperiously, "It would do you well to discipline your boy."

"What, like you just did?" Mr. Potter said. "You call that discipline? Maybe someone ought to show _you_ some –"

"Edmund," Mrs. Potter hissed, shushing her husband. James had never heard his father sound so threatening and felt a flush of pride that at least one of his parents was backing him up.

Walburga merely raised a brow, regarding Mr. Potter as if he were an annoying insect. "You don't see my son speaking out of turn, now, do you? Or meddling in the affairs of others? Or spitting out pathetic threats against his own kind? No, you do not. Because I know how to discipline my child, and as such, my son has grown up to be a gentleman. Something your boy could never be."

James shot Sirius a glance to see if his friend was going to pipe up on his behalf, but Sirius looked so much like someone else right now that James almost couldn't recognize him. He had his head bowed, his hair falling in his face, his body rigid like an obedient dog.

"My son," Mr. Potter began heatedly, "is already a better man than anyone in your cursed line has ever –"

"Edmund!" Mrs. Potter shouted.

Walburga snatched up Sirius' wrist and pulled out her wand. "I've heard enough! Sirius?" The boy looked up to his mother. "You are not to associate with the Potters ever again. Understood?"

Sirius shot a look of shock to James, his lips slightly parted as if he wanted to speak, finally showing life, but not a sound escaped him.

"You can't –" Mr. Potter began.

"Very good. Come now." She tugged on Sirius' wrist, heading for the apparition platform several yards away. Sirius obediently followed his mother but not before casting James a sad look over his shoulder.

James moved to follow his friend but his father rested a strong hand on his shoulder, stopping him. "Not here," he whispered.

Sirius and his mother reached the platform and had disapparated within seconds. James let out a groan. "So much for a happy Christmas."

Mrs. Potter sighed. "It may be for the best, James. Our families have never gotten along."

James glared at his mother. "Yeah, thanks for standing up for me, mum. I really appreciate it."

"You don't understand."

"Yeah, actually, I do. You'd rather not get involved in case something bad happens. Well, guess what? It already has." With that, he marched off to the apparition platform. Mr. Potter gave his wife a troubled look before following his son. Mrs. Potter hesitated then trailed behind her family. Neither her husband or son seemed to understand what parents like Walburga and Orion were capable of. The more of a scene they caused in public, the more likely it was that they would harm their son in private.

_**Please review!**_

_**Thank you so much to **__jammin287__** and **__strangerthingshappen__** for your feedback! I promise the next chapter will be much longer.**_


	4. Ash and Paper

**Grey Eyes**

**4. Ash and Paper**

Once home at Grimmauld Place, Walburga marched Sirius to his room and slammed the door, locking it behind her. He had only gotten the briefest glimpse of green adorning the railing and the archways of the home, reminding him that Christmas was meant to be a cheerful time of year. He shuffled over to his bed and stiffly sat down on the edge, swallowing past a lump that had formed in his throat. He felt thin and frail, as if his flesh and bones were actually ash and paper. Had that really just happened? Had his mother really just yelled at his best friend, told him that they could no longer _be_ friends, and embarrassed him in front of dozens of Wizarding families? Something about the scene felt surreal, as if it had happened to someone else, or else in a dream. It couldn't be real, for if it was real, he would be empty inside.

He looked out the window that faced the vacant lot behind the house. The flat patch of earth was covered in stubby grasses, a few small shrubs, and an elm that had grown swiftly into a flourishing tree. While he knew the Muggle business that bought the land had intended to build on it before the neighborhood had taken a downward turn, he was glad that they never got the chance. The sight of green life so near at hand comforted hm.

The realization that his mother hadn't collected Regulus at the train station, and that he hadn't even seen his brother, reminded Sirius of Bellatrix's taunting words. His parents were no longer treating the two the same. Regulus had somehow morphed into someone other than his little brother.

The year that Sirius was in Hogwarts and Regulus wasn't had given him time to bond with his parents in a way that Sirius couldn't understand. Growing up, the two had been raised as twins since they were hardly a year apart. Looking back now, Sirius saw the differences in their personalities and behavior starker than they ever were before. Regulus was the quiet one who ran crying to his mother over everything and anything that didn't go in his favor, even a game of Muggle football between him and his brother. Sirius was the one who was always coming up with new ideas, like riding a mattress down the stairs and fibbing to his parents to avoid lectures. Regulus treated his parents as if they could do no wrong, while Sirius knew from a very young age that if he could avoid confrontation with them, he would.

He had never paid much attention to the differences between himself and his brother before. He had accepted them as part of life. They were very different people, despite their closeness in age. And now that he thought about it, his mother had started to treat them as different people several years ago. When he was sorted into Gryffindor. His sorting had been a joke at first, something his family would tease him about at the dinner table. But after Regulus was sorted into Slytherin a year later, the joke stopped being funny and Sirius avoided talking about anything to do with his House for the sake of avoiding it altogether. And his parents stopped asking. The past three Christmas holidays had been filled with his parents asking Regulus questions about his life at Hogwarts. Sirius had never minded before because he was equally interested in the answers. His brother so rarely interacted with him at school that he felt he had a hole in his chest where Regulus used to be, waiting to be filled up again.

It wasn't until Bellatrix had taunted him that he realized the hole would never be filled. He would never be Regulus' twin again. His brother had been trying to separate himself from his brother the moment he saw how awkwardly his parents had treated his sorting into Gryffindor. When Sirius had asked Regulus to sit with him several days ago, he had been trying to bring Regulus into his group of friends. He had wanted to share adventures with him again. But instead, Severus and the other Slytherins had laughed at one of their own sitting at their rival House's table. When even Peter Pettigrew chuckled, Regulus had shot Sirius a look as if he thought Sirius had orchestrated the whole thing just to hurt him.

He had never felt more stupid in his life. He really was the pitiable, idiot of the family. Regulus was the clever one who had seen how to please his parents from the time he was three-years-old and told on Sirius for sneaking a stray cat into the house and trying to hide it under his bed. His mother had killed the cat then scolded Sirius for crying and begging her to bring it back to life. Regulus had sat on his bed, watching the whole scene without getting involved..

It was over. Regulus was lost. He'd been slowly tearing his heart out of his brother's reach for years and Sirius had been too naïve to even notice. His feelings for his little brother hadn't changed and never would: he would always love the little boy who had been his shadow and his partner in so many flights of fancy. And Sirius was determined to keep loving him even now that they were older and had grown apart. Even now when his parents were playing favorites and his mother was intentionally isolating them. For if he held onto that love long enough, he hoped there might come a day when Regulus would change and welcome him back with open arms and that goofy smile he used to always wear.

The door closed downstairs and Sirius could hear his mother's high-pitched voice as she welcomed Orion and Regulus home. He treaded over to his door and listened at the crack. "My goodness," his mother was crooning. "How you've grown!" She shifted her tone as she addressed her husband. "You two certainly took your time."

"Since I picked him up at the Hogsmeade station, we thought we might head into the village for a quick peek. Buy some presents. Get some spiced apple cider at Honeydukes."

"Did you?" Walburga asked Regulus in a high pitched tone that was now reserved only for her youngest.

"It wasn't as good as it was last year," Regulus responded, his voice cracking a little. Sirius hadn't even known that his brother's voice was changing.

"Bit too much cinnamon," Orion chuckled.

"Where's Sirius?" Regulus asked as the conversation moved into the parlor.

"He's upstairs. Why don't you go get washed up for dinner? I can't wait to hear what you've been up to."

Regulus' step could then be heard on the stair as he headed for his room.

Walburga lowered her voice and Sirius had trouble making out what she said. "…Were gone too long… you don't know what trouble he's already been. Had to lock him in his room for the time being. I don't want him seeing…"

"Potter?" Orion asked, his voice clearer than Walburga's. "That is odd. What business is it of theirs?"

"I'd take action against them if I thought it would amount to anything," Walburga said. "Confronting me at the platform like that. It's unheard of."

"Indeed." Orion sighed. His heavy foot fell on the stairs and Sirius backed away from the door and sat down on his bed, trying to erase his fear and worry from his face as his father paused outside his door and unlocked it with his wand. The door swung open and Orion Black, a handsome man who many mistook for a Spaniard, fixed his son with a stern glare. "I hear you're giving your mother trouble."

Sirius brushed his bangs out of his eyes and kept his voice quiet. "I didn't mean to."

Orion sighed and crossed his arms over his chest and as Sirius looked at him, he couldn't stop his lower lip from trembling, knowing that the man he used to use as a jungle gym, the man who had taught him how to play Quidditch, had intentionally picked his brother up and taken him out for a treat while ignoring his other son. Sirius bit his lip in an attempt to bite back the tears he knew wanted to come. He had never felt such a deep, cold pain in his chest. "When will we know your marks?"

It took Sirius a moment to process what his father had asked. "After Christmas."

"Will they be good?"

Sirius didn't know what to say. He almost always received O's. "They ought to be."

"Good. We're not paying for you to mess about at school, you know. You're there to study and make a name for yourself, like your brother is."

Sirius eyed his hands in his lap. "I know."

Orion narrowed his eyes at his son's defeated tone. "You seem upset."

Sirius swallowed hard and wished his father would stop talking, for if he continued, he'd break down in tears. Sirius shrugged in response, still looking at his hands, the memory that he could've had of getting cider with his father and brother stabbing him in the chest.

"Well, dinner is in twenty minutes." With that, he left Sirius' room, leaving the door open. Sirius looked up once his father was gone. At least he was now free to roam the house if he pleased. "Oh, and Sirius," his father's voice broke into his thoughts, startling him as he stepped back to the doorway. "Don't think we've forgotten about that cruel prank you played on your brother at school. We'll discuss your punishment later."

Sirius wanted to argue but was so broken inside that he knew the moment his father raised his voice in retribution, he would shatter. The last thing he wanted his father to see were tears. Sirius nodded and Orion scrutinized him a few seconds longer before leaving him alone.

Methodically, Sirius took off his robes and sweater then started for dinner in his collared shirt and black pants. He was sure to tuck in his shirttails before he headed downstairs, hoping that the effort would soften his parents' looks. He could hear Regulus' voice even from his room, and as he neared, he realized that his little brother was already regaling his mother with stories about the past three months. Walburga was listening with a smile as she flicked her wand, helping Kreacher by levitating the dishes onto the table. Her smile slipped slightly when she spotted Sirius coming into the room. Regulus paused and glanced at his brother over his shoulder. "Hi, Sirius," he said, sounding a bit too much as if it was an effort. "How was the train?"

Sirius rested his hands on the back of a chair. "Fine." He wanted to ask how Honeydukes was but he didn't have the strength. He was tired inside and with the sense of exhaustion came a pleasant numbness that he hoped would stay. "Did you –"

"So then what happened, Reg?" Walburga cut Sirius off.

Regulus turned back to his mother and continued with a smile, recounting the tale of how he had been the first in his class to properly brew a potion. Sirius slipped into his seat and watched Kreacher set out goblets. The House Elf could hardly reach the table and when he had trouble setting Sirius' goblet down, Sirius helped him, only to have Kreacher mumble about how he didn't help from "dirty children."

Once the family had gathered, Sirius listened to Regulus' stories of what he'd been up to since September. Every once in a while, his brother would shoot Sirius a look, as if trying to gauge his brother's reactions to what he was saying, but Sirius was too focused on forcing himself to eat to meet his brother's gaze.

Orion laughed as Regulus stated that even his cousin Bellatrix had laughed at a joke he'd cracked in the Slytherin common room. "She's hilarious, that one," he chuckled. "Always fun to be around."

"It's a shame she'll be leaving after this year," Regulus said.

"There's always the holidays," Walburga added.

"I suppose," Regulus said. "And there's still about six months left in the –"

"May I be excused?" Sirius loudly asked.

Everyone turned to look at him and Walburga slightly cocked her head. "Don't interrupt your brother."

Regulus waited a moment then continued. "As I was saying, there's still six months left in –"

"Then I am leaving the table," Sirius interrupted again, rising to his feet.

"Sirius Black," his father snapped. "Sit back down."

"No, I've finished, and if it's all the same to you, I've heard enough lies about how 'pleasant' our cousin is to be around."

"Oh?" Regulus asked incredulously.

Sirius locked eyes with his brother. "She tried to hex me, Reg. She wanted to hurt me."

Regulus' eyes darkened with a flare of loyalty for his brother. "She hurt you?"

"No, she –" Sirius managed before his mother cut him off.

"He's exaggerating, Regulus, as he always is. Your cousin would never harm her flesh and blood."

"Yes, she would," Sirius countered, raising his voice an octave. "Annie told me she's failing all her classes because she's so obsessively practicing the Dark Arts. She might not even –"

"Annie? Who is Annie?" Orion asked.

"Annie O'Hare," Sirius said. "She was my friend first year, remember?"

His parents were staring at him as if he were asking them to breathe underwater. "I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius," Orion said. "But Bellatrix is my niece and it would behoove you not to tell such lies."

"I'm your _son_," Sirius said softly.

"And?" Orion asked, glancing about as if amused.

"It would behoove _you_ to remember that I wouldn't lie to you," Sirius said. His mother snorted. Regulus glanced anxiously between his parents.

"You wretched little brat," Walburga half spat and half chuckled. "You've been a liar since the day you were born."

"No, he hasn't," Regulus cut in.

"You're too young to remember," Orion mumbled.

"Too young?" Sirius asked. "We're hardly a year apart!"

"Don't raise your voice at your father," Walburga snapped, tossing down her napkin. "I am so _tired_ of your lies, Sirius. So tired of what you've put this family through."

Sirius sank back down into his seat. "But I haven't done anything."

Regulus' eyes went to Sirius' chest and he realized that he was still wearing his Gryffindor tie.

Sirius rested a hand on the silk. "This? Is this what I've put you through? Being sorted into Gryffindor when I was _eleven_-years-old? As if I had a choice?"

"You always have a choice," Orion mumbled as he took a sip of his wine.

"Then I'm sorry that I'm not perfect," Sirius said in a rush. "I'm sorry that I'm not like Regulus. We're different. I'm different. And I'm sorry if that upsets you but I'm trying as hard as I can to make you happy." Walburga let out another incredulous snort and Sirius looked to his mother, feeling like a crank was tightening inside, threatening to tear his ash and paper body. "I have, Mum," he said so quietly that it was almost inaudible. "I'm just never good enough for you because… because… I don't know why. But I get better marks than him," he pointed at Regulus, "I'm a Chaser on the Quidditch team –"

"Don't compare yourself to your brother," Orion cut him off with a wave of his hand. "This isn't a contest, Sirius."

"Yes, it is," Sirius continued, his voice still non-confrontationally quiet. "That's exactly what it is. And I'm losing. Because nothing I do pleases you."

"No argument there," Walburga mumbled before taking a bite of her pudding.

Sirius stared at his mother for several long seconds that felt like hours, while she returned his gaze with an almost innocent expression. He looked down at his plate, at his half-eaten meal, and knew that if he was in the room with his family for a second longer, he would suffocate. So he slowly rose, pushed his chair back in and quietly headed to his room upstairs. The dining room behind him remained quiet until he reached his doorway when he heard his father clear his throat and say, "He always has to cause a scene."

"I can't believe how rude you were," Regulus said to his mother as Sirius entered his room. His mother was snipping out some sort of tidy explanation when Sirius closed his door, not wanting to hear any more.

To his surprise, James' little family own was perched on his windowsill, a letter in its beak. Sirius opened the window and took the envelope from the owl before feeding it a treat. The bird cooed after it downed the snack then took off. Sirius let his memories of dinner empty from his mind as he tore open his friends' letter, hoping for plenty of words to distract him from his own thoughts, but instead, there were only three: _Are you alright?_

Sirius stared at the piece of parchment for so long that his hand began to shake. When he realized the parchment was rattling, he grabbed a quill and scrawled _No_ below James' question. He called the owl back to his window and folded up the letter, holding it out to the owl to return. The raptor took the paper into its beak then departed.

After an hour or two had passed, Sirius convinced himself to bathe. He knew he couldn't sleep if he was hungry, so he slipped downstairs to drink a glass of milk. As he headed back upstairs, he passed the sitting room and spotted his mother and Regulus seated on the couch, listening to his father reading an article summarizing Tom Riddle's latest speech. Regulus looked tired and was leaning his head against his mother's shoulder. Walburga reached up and began to absently stroke her son's hair. Sirius' scalp tingled as he watched the scene, remembering how she used to do the same to him when he was small. Walburga kissed the top of Regulus' head before resting her cheek against it.

The sight of his family looking so happy without him, so functional, and his mother being so affectionate, was breaking his heart. His throat tightened, and this time the thin walls of his ash and paper body smoldered from the pain in his chest. He padded upstairs as quickly and quietly as he could, choking out a gasp that he couldn't hold in any longer. Once in his room, he shut the door then leaned against it, sagging to the floor and hugging his knees as sob after sob tore from his throat.

James' owl was waiting outside his window with his friend's reply, but Sirius grabbed a pillow and hurled it at the window, frightening the owl away before crawling atop his mattress like a wounded animal, unable to even see through the haze of his anguish. James couldn't help him now. The only people who could were downstairs, happy to pretend he didn't even exist.

**_Please let me know what you think!_**

**_Also, if you'd like a more lighthearted and comical take on the Marauders' 4th year at Hogwarts, be sure to check out my other fic "Managing Mischief"! :)  
><em>**


	5. Falling Snow

**Grey Eyes**

**5. Falling Snow**

Sirius' back was up against the elm tree in the vacant lot behind his house. He had been sketching dark figures in black ink. Gothic, twisted bodies, yowling and crawling about. Snow had started falling several minutes ago and he smiled wistfully as he watched the ethereal flakes drift down around him, slipping past the bare branches, gathering on the folds of his jacket. It was Christmas Eve and despite the numb feeling he had inside, he couldn't help but find delight in the timely arrival of the snow. Maybe there would be enough of it to make a snowman tomorrow.

His family was gone, calling on friends. Sirius' punishment for "humiliating" Regulus was to stay at the house over the entire holiday. He didn't mind, for if he weren't being punished, he'd have to be dressed nicely, sitting on an uncomfortable sofa in some parlor, pretending he wasn't bored out of his wits.

The back door of Grimmauld Place opened and Sirius was surprised to find Regulus exit. Apparently their visits were over for the day. It was then that Sirius noticed that the streetlamps were lit. It was nearly evening.

Regulus hugged himself, his Slytherin scarf snug about his neck as he strolled over. He plopped down on the ground next to Sirius, his hair still slicked back in his attempt to please his mother. "Aren't you freezing?" he asked Sirius without looking at him.

Sirius had been cold for some time now, but he didn't want to go inside. He wanted to watch the earth rotate and the shadows grow. He shrugged. "How were the Pevensies?"

Regulus rolled his eyes, picking up a fallen stick and poking at the ground. "The same. I don't understand why their house always smells like cigars and fruit."

Sirius smirked. "Still hot?"

"Sweltering. I swear they're secretly from the tropics or something. How else could you tolerate a house that hot?"

"Glad I got out of it."

Regulus grunted.

Sirius' smile faded. "Reg, you know I wasn't trying to hurt you, don't you?"

Regulus glanced at him.

"I missed you. I miss you. I only thought that –"

"You're right," Regulus interrupted, dropping his voice as if worried they'd be overheard. "Bellatrix has this… this side of her that's… cruel. I guess when everyone started laughing I sort of… thought you had it, too. Guess I've been around her too much."

Sirius studied his brother for several moments. He hadn't been able to speak so candidly with him for a long, long time. The two had been close in Regulus' first year and Sirius' second, but Bellatrix had taken pains to introduce Regulus to more of his fellow Slytherins. Their cousin always seemed to have an eye on his little brother, as if he were her sibling and not Sirius'. He now regretted ever letting her near him.

"There's this second year Hufflepuff girl, Amelia," Regulus began. "She's always telling stories about pegasus' and secret passageways that lead to pink forests. Silly stuff that everyone knows isn't real. One day she said Bellatrix hexed her in the bathroom. No one believed her. But after what you said, about Bella trying to hurt you… I believe Amelia. Bella is… changing."

"It's all this bullshit about putting Muggles in their place that Tom Riddle is spouting. She totally buys it."

"I know." Regulus sighed. "I mean, some of his ideas are actually good. We have sort of gotten diluted. If we're not careful, we'll die out."

Sirius furrowed his brow. "If that were true, then how come two Muggles can have a witch or wizard?"

"That's really, really rare," Regulus said, glancing at Sirius' sketches. "What's that?"

Sirius closed his notebook. "I was just bored I guess."

"I like them."

"Regulus, you can't believe everything that mum and dad believe. You know that, don't you?"

The thirteen-year-old fixed him with a look that was slightly suspicious. "What do you mean?"

"I mean they love every word Tom Riddle utters. The guy's a nutter. Like that Muggle, Hitler. You're smarter than them."

"Lord Voldemort."

Sirius blinked. "What?"

"Lord Voldemort. That's what people call him now."

"The Riddle's aren't Lords or –"

"It's just a title. One of respect."

"Sounds made up to me." Sirius flicked some of his hair out of his eyes. The sky was significantly darker.

"You ought to be more careful," Regulus sighed. "He's gonna be Minister of Magic one day."

Sirius could feel the gap between them suddenly broadening and hastily struggled to close it. "Yeah. We'll see." Regulus had resumed scratching at the ground with his stick. Sirius realized he'd been drawing a Christmas tree. "Mum in a good mood?"

Regulus nodded. "Mrs. Pevensie caught her up on all the gossip. And I guess our aunt and uncle from Bavaria are coming over for the party tomorrow."

"Bavaria? Who are they?"

Regulus smirked. "No bloody idea."

Sirius chuckled and making the sound felt so good that for several moments, he was filled with hope, if not for he and his parents, then for him and his little brother. "One day, Reg, when I'm out of school, I'll have my own house, and we can have a proper Christmas. Just us and our friends. No random relatives who we've never met."

Regulus smiled. "I'd like that."

"Me too."

"Regulus?" Walburga's voice called from inside.

Regulus' smile slipped but he obediently answered. "Out here, Mum!"

The back door flung open and Walburga squinted in the dusk until she spotted the two huddled forms under the elm. "What on earth are you doing out here? You'll catch your death. Get back inside. Both of you."

Sirius rose to his feet, dusting off the seat of his pants. It wasn't ideal, but at least his mother was concerned about his wellbeing. Maybe things really would be all right, after all. Maybe this strain would pass and things could go back to how they were years ago. As he headed into the house, the fresh snow crunching beneath his shoes, Sirius realized that was what he wanted most for Christmas. He wanted to feel like a family again.

Dinner was such a pleasant occasion that he felt he could forgive all the hurt his parents had caused for more moments of cheer such as this. The laughter started when Kreacher bent down to pick up a fallen utensil and Regulus and Sirius caught sight of the elf's butt crack. The two had tried as hard as they could to keep their laughter inside, but one look at the other made snorts slip out until they were red in the face and cracking up. Orion had also glimpsed the source of their amusement and chuckled while Walburga had a pleasantly baffled expression on her face.

Through his giggles, Regulus said, "Sally Moffet!" which made Sirius bark in laughter at the reference. Sally had been an old playmate of theirs. She was Regulus' age, and when the two were five, she developed a fetish of trying to pull off Sirius' pants at every opportunity that arose. Sirius had taken to sprinting past her whenever the three played together, but one time Sally chased him to the fence. Sirius had leapt up, trying to haul himself out of her yard, when she yanked on his pants while he was hanging there. Regulus had been laughing too hard to help his brother, for Sally was finally succeeding.

Sirius had been red in the face and mortified at the time, and he had even run off crying and was happy to later hear that Sally and her family had moved to America. Now, however, the memory was far funnier than upsetting, and seeing how much it made Regulus belly laugh made Sirius find it all the funnier.

When Orion asked, "Who?" the two boys broke into peals of laughter all over again.

That night, as Sirius tried to fall asleep, he watched the falling snow, illuminated by the moonlight. He thought of his friends and wondered what they were doing at that moment. He began to feel guilty for not having accepted James' owl and resolved to write him tomorrow. He knew his mother didn't want them to be friends anymore, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. He grabbed a piece of parchment and began writing.

Kreacher was outside, disposing of a broken Christmas tree ornament when he saw the owl fly out of Sirius' window, bearing a letter. Shuffling back into the house, he headed for his mistress. She had asked him to watch her eldest son for any signs of wrongdoing. Good thing he'd been paying attention. Walburga was in the parlor, putting the last touches on the holiday decorations, readying for the party the next day. "Mistress?"

Walburga looked to Kreacher over her shoulder. "What is it, Kreacher?"

"Master Sirius."

**_Please review!_**


	6. Ada

**Grey Eyes**

**6. Ada**

Sirius sat stiffly in a red armchair by the bookcase, a goblet of cranberry cider in hand. He stared at the fireplace across the room, his eyes unfocused as he lost himself in the shifting flames. His hair was slicked back, as his mother had requested, but several little clumps of his bangs had already come loose and framed his face. His collar was high and stiff and his clothing felt like it was constricting his chest. But he had only to play the part of a contented nobleman's son for a few hours more. Violins chorused in a quartet in the corner and Sirius knew it was only a matter of time before his mother requested that he play the piano.

Despite the hundreds of history books that told otherwise, Walburga Black was convinced that nearly every instrument had its origins in Wizarding society, not Muggle. She had a tutor teach both of her sons piano from an early age, and when they were small, she enjoyed exhibiting them like parlor tricks. Though despite how much he disliked being asked to perform on command like a pet, Sirius had always enjoyed music. His piano lessons were one of the few things he could remember looking forward to in his years before Hogwarts. Even though he hated practicing his scales.

"Sirius?" Sirius looked up to spot his mother smiling down at him, her hand resting on the shoulder of a buxom young lady. Sirius immediately rose to his feet. "This is your second cousin once removed, Ada. She's about to graduate from the Academy this year. With top marks. It would do you two well to get to know each other." Walburga winked at Ada as she stepped away.

Sirius gave Ada a brief bow. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Ada smiled. "The pleasure is mine." Her speech was tainted with her German accent.

"Would you like a seat?" He gestured to the armchair he'd been occupying.

"No, thank you." The two stood there awkwardly for several seconds as Ada glanced about, hunting out her family members. Sirius smiled at the musicians, pretending he was admiring their instruments. He had no idea what his mother expected them to talk about. "I remember you," Ada spoke up again, surprising him. "I was five. You were still in diapers. We came to visit on our summer holiday."

"Oh?" Sirius asked, raising his brows.

"Yes," Ada smiled. "You and your brother were in the sandbox. You dumped an entire bucket of sand on his head."

Sirius smirked. "I did?"

Ada giggled. "Unfortunately, that is all I remember. I suppose you don't remember me?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm sorry." Just then, he caught sight of his mother watching them with a satisfied expression before turning to nod as Ada's father told her something. A thin line formed between Sirius' brows. What interest was their conversation to his mother?

"I am so happy to be in England," Ada said, drawing Sirius' attention back to her. "Not as cold here as it is at home."

Sirius forced himself to smile. Ada was pretty and couldn't hide her cleavage if she tried. Even with three years on him, she was Sirius' height. And as Ada bashfully returned Sirius' smile, the intention behind his mother's actions hit him. She was introducing the two in the hopes that they would one day wed, just as she and Orion had. Sirius blushed though he wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because Ada's eyes wouldn't leave his face, as if she liked what she saw, or maybe it was the base fact that they were related. Either way, the whole situation made him terribly uncomfortable.

He hadn't ever even dated a girl, much less considered marrying one. And he'd only kissed a girl once. At the start of the year, James had dared Sirius to do something to Lily Evans while she and Severus were milling about on the shores of the lake. Something that would get Severus mad. So after a half hour of convincing, Sirius had strolled over to the two, muttered something about the weather, then made sure Severus was watching as he kissed Lily on the cheek. Her wand was drawn before Severus' was and Sirius bolted out of sight and hid in the dormitory for over an hour. Severus had tried to chase him but had tripped. Lily was as infuriated as she was confused, and James seemed equally torn between amusement and annoyance that Sirius had decided the best thing to do was kiss her. It had been a stupid dare, anyway.

"Sirius?" Ada was saying his name, as if she'd just asked him a question, and indeed she probably had. Sirius had gotten so caught up in his anxiety over the situation that he had stopped listening.

"What?"

Ada looked as if she didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused. "How old are you?"

"Fourteen."

Her lips flattened, as if she disapproved, and she glanced over at her parents who were conversing with the Blacks. Sirius sighed then forced another smile. "Look, it was nice to meet you. Enjoy the rest of your holiday." He gave her a half bow then headed upstairs as swiftly as he could, yanking on his collar. He could hear Regulus laughing in the sitting room as he passed, entertaining several of their parents' friends. Regulus had an ability to keep a conversation going like no other.

Once in his room, Sirius flung open his window and closed his eyes, breathing deeply of the cold air. The chill grounded him once more, reminding him that he would soon be back at school, away from his parents and all of their plans for him. After a few moments, he sat on his bed and shrugged off his suit jacket, loosening his bowtie. He was thankful that Bellatrix's family was on holiday in France, visiting some boy she liked named Lestrange. Otherwise, this party would've been even worse than it already was.

"Sirius?" Walburga's voice echoed up from the bottom of the stairs.

Sirius closed his eyes and took a moment to compose himself before replying. "Up here, Mum."

"We're about to have tea. Come back down, please."

Sirius arched a brow. She hadn't been so civil with him all break. She must be within earshot of other guests. "Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill at the moment."

There was a pause then the sound of feet on the stairs. Sirius hastily tightened his bowtie. Walburga appeared in his doorway, holding up her burgundy dress with black beads so that she could walk. She stepped into his room, her heels clicking, her black hair swept up into a bun, looking rather Victorian. "Funny. You don't look ill to me."

Sirius locked eyes with her. "I think it was something that I ate."

Walburga studied him for several moments then quietly shut the door. Sirius tried not to tense at the action and kept any anxiety he felt from his face. "Ada is a pretty girl, is she not?"

Sirius couldn't help his eyes from narrowing at his mother.

"Close to your age, too. You two would make a good match."

Sirius half rolled his eyes as he looked away.

Walburga crossed to his open window and slammed it with unnecessary force. "I know these things take time to warm up to, but you could have a wonderful future with her. She's foreign. She won't understand the shame of your sorting, which means she is one of your only prospects."

Sirius furrowed his brow. "Prospects?"

"Indeed." Walburga clasped her hands before her and turned to face her son. "You want to make your father and I happy, do you not? Is that not what you asked for – to be good enough for us?"

The line between Sirius' brows deepened.

"Then you will get to know Ada. Right now. And this summer. And the next. And the next. And one day you will thank me."

"Mum," Sirius half-whined.

Walburga held up her hand. "You're welcome."

"This isn't fair. You can't force us to –"

"That is all." Walburga gathered up her dress again and exited with an air of such authority that Sirius knew it was useless to argue back. There was no way he would wind up like her and his father. Well-matched, pure, and completely disinterested in each other. The only affection the two ever displayed was for show in front of guests. Sirius didn't know if he even ever wanted to get married, but he did know that he didn't want _that_.

After another fifteen minutes or so, Sirius swallowed his pride and headed back downstairs. He made a beeline for Regulus who was eating, intentionally ignoring Ada who cast him a smile as he passed. Sirius grabbed a plate and loaded it up with enough food to keep him busy then sat down beside Regulus. When Sirius ignored her for several more minutes, Ada finally grabbed a plate and joined the two.

"Ahem?" Walburga tapped on the piano, smiling sycophantically at her eldest, causing several in attendance to chuckle.

Sirius hadn't even had time to eat more than a few bites yet gave in to his mother's smile. At the very least, he would be away from Ada. Returning his mother's false smile with one of his own, Sirius rose to his feet and headed over to the piano. Walburga remained at his side, clasping her bejeweled hands as she beamed at her guests. Sirius took a deep breath then rested his fingers on the keys. He began to play Chopin's Waltz for piano No. 1 in E flat major ('Grande Valse Brillante') Op. 18, B. 62. The room swiftly fell silent as the hauntingly beautiful melody slithered into each and every ear. Regulus grinned. His brother had always been far more gifted at music than he, and it had been so long since he'd heard Sirius play that he'd almost forgotten how live music could make him inadvertently hold his breath.

Sirius played by ear and made a few mistakes, which made him even more determined not to look up at all lest he get distracted. For four minutes, he was entirely absorbed in his fingertips and the sounds they were making. The rest of his cares faded away until it was just him and the music, alone like two old friends. When he played the last key, he was slightly startled by the loudness of the applause that erupted around him as the guests clapped. Even his mother was patting the back of her hand.

Looking at the people around him would remind Sirius of his present, so instead, he launched into "The Holly and the Ivy," then "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs" and slew of others until his music had become nothing more than a background conversation piece and he could play on in solitude. When at last he stopped, he was congratulated on his skill by so many that by the time the evening was over, his cheeks hurt from so many fake smiles. Ada continued to try to pry her way into conversations, but Sirius politely ignored her. He had never been happier to see a guest leave.

He and Regulus sprawled out on the sofas and stripped themselves of their ties and unbuttoned their vests before they kicked off their shoes. Regulus sighed. "I'm stuffed."

Sirius rubbed his face. "I'm starved."

Regulus tossed a pillow at his brother. "Why, exactly, was our second cousin once removed acting like she knew what we were talking about all the time? She doesn't even speak enough English."

Sirius parted his lips to tell his brother the truth, then thought better of it when he realized that he could still hear his parents in the hall, farewelling their last guest. "Later."

"I really am stuffed," Regulus groaned, resting a hand on his stomach.

The door clicked shut with a chorus of "Happy Christmases," then their parents returned to the room. Orion sank down into an armchair, rubbing his eyes, while Walburga strolled over to Sirius and whacked at his feet with a fan she was carrying. Sirius furrowed his brow but didn't move. "To your room," she snapped.

"What?" Sirius asked. "But I did what you asked."

"You seem to have selective hearing. Or else you would remember that I forbade you from being in contact with that Potter boy."

Sirius did his best to keep emotion from his face. "I haven't –"

"If you lie to me, I will only be more cross. Now on your feet."

Sirius repressed a sigh and hefted himself up.

"I've already written to your Headmaster requesting a change of dormitory."

Sirius' lips parted to argue but Walburga held up a hand, silencing him.

"I don't understand," Regulus said. "What's he done?"

"It's none of your concern, dear," Walburga replied without taking her eyes off of Sirius.

"Yes, it is," Regulus climbed to his feet. "You're both obviously upset. Now, what's going on?"

"Regulus," Orion warned.

"Dad!"

"Enough!" Orion bellowed, rising as well.

Sirius glanced between his father and little brother and could tell that if Regulus asked any more questions, his father would consider it disobedience and lash out at him. He had to end this now before he dragged Regulus down with him. He caught his brother's eye. "Forget it, Reg. I messed up." Turning his gaze back to his mother, Sirius forced calm into his voice. "Happy Christmas."

Once back upstairs in his room, Sirius could hear Regulus following suit, entering his own quarters. Digging his hands into his hair, Sirius forced himself to focus on the fact that there were only a few more days until New Year's, after which he would be back at school. Even if he was no longer allowed in the same dormitory as his friends, his mother's influence couldn't reach so far as to separate them during the day. Nor could she ever again keep his brother from him now that they'd begun to repair what she'd taken such pains to break.

_**Please let me know what you think!**_


	7. Insecurities

**Grey Eyes**

**7. Insecurities**

The snow kept up all week, so afternoon often found Sirius and Regulus out in the vacant lot, building snowmen, having snowball fights, making forts. The curtain of the house would often flutter, as if their mother was spying on them every now and then, but Sirius learned to ignore her. He had his brother back and that was all that mattered. As the two chased each other around the elm and Regulus tackled Sirius in a play fight, he felt as if the years had melted away and the two had never been forced apart.

Walburga sat at the kitchen table, watching the steam from her tea rise and curl. The change in her sons' behavior hadn't escaped her, and she feared she would soon lose Regulus to Sirius' influence. Her eldest wasn't a lost cause. In fact, she had much hope for him. Most boys went through a rebellious stage in their teenage years, but with a firm hand and discipline, she was certain she could nip his attempts at independence in the bud. Yet he had already disobeyed her and contacted the Potter boy earlier in the week. If he thought he could do as he pleased despite her demands, then he had another thing coming. She had put a charm on his window so that he couldn't receive any more owls. And it was time to have a conversation with Regulus.

The opportunity arose that evening when Sirius was readying for bed and Regulus was finishing off a letter to one of his friends from school. "Regulus, dear, may I have a word with you?"

"Of course, Mum," Regulus said, setting his quill aside.

Walburga closed the door to his room and offered him a smile. "I am concerned for your brother."

Regulus furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"Not so much for your brother, perhaps, as for you, I should say." Walburga sat down beside Regulus on the end of his bed. "I'm not certain if you understand how much we value you, Regulus. Your brother can be so exhausting. If he's not disrespecting us in public, then he's trying to undermine our authority at home. I want you to know how thankful your father and I are that you aren't like him. If we had two sons who were so disgraceful, we would be crushed. Promise me you will always be your wonderful self?"

A corner of Regulus' lip lifted in a smile despite the confusion on his face. "Of course, Mum."

Walburga hugged him. "Thank you, darling. You don't know how proud we are of you."

"I'm glad."

Walburga smiled again before ruffling his hair and leaving. Regulus' smile faded as soon as his mother was gone. An uncomfortable weight settled in his chest. His parents were playing favorites again. He hated it when they played favorites. It was as if his thoughts would become muddled and clouded and he couldn't discern which were his and which were theirs. He wanted to make them proud, certainly, but not at the expense of his brother, even if they were right about him. Even if Sirius did make life difficult for them.

Sighing, he finished off his letter and ran a hand through his hair.

* * *

><p>James spotted Sirius at Platform 9 ¾ but Sirius managed to shoot him a look that clearly said "stay away." James paused in mid-step and after a moment, turned back around to face his parents. Walburga distracted Sirius by grabbing at his tie and straightening it.<p>

"If you must be seen in such horrid colors, at least wear them properly," she hissed. Orion sighed, looking like he wanted to get this over with and continue with his plans for the day. Regulus had already been bombarded by a group of Slytherins and his parents had merely smiled and waved as their youngest trotted off towards the train.

"We've already been here for ten minutes," Orion announced, glancing at his pocket watch.

"Goodbye, then," Sirius muttered, unable to meet his father's gaze when the man so obviously would rather be elsewhere than seeing off his son.

"Have a good rest of the year," Orion said with a brief smile as he rested a hand on Sirius' shoulder then spun about, headed for the apparating platform. Sirius sighed as his mother followed him to the door of the train.

"Write to me if you need any money for books," she said.

"I will." Sirius flicked some of the hair out of his face. James was still ignoring him and hugging his parents goodbye repeatedly. None of his other friends were in sight. A blonde was in his peripheral but before he could turn his head to see who it was, his mother placed a finger on his chin and drew his attention to her face.

Walburga's voice was low. "Only for books."

"Yeah, got it," Sirius muttered. Not five minutes ago both of his parents had promised Regulus that they'd send money if he was ever wanting for anything.

Walburga removed her hand and Sirius stole a glance at the blonde. Annie smiled at the two briefly as she sorted out her luggage. Sirius returned the nicety with a fleeting smile of his own. His mother swatted the back of his shoulders, having observed the shy exchange between the two. "Stand up straighter," she hissed.

Sirius tried not to glare as he did as he was told.

"And for Merlin's sake," she continued, running a hand through his bangs, trying to sweep them back. "Keep your hair out of your eyes. People will think you're trying to hide something. All you've got are your looks."

Sirius yanked her hand away and she reacted so quickly that he didn't even know she'd grabbed his ear and twisted until it was burning. He let out a soft sound of surprise and Walburga let go. "If I hear of any more of this trouble-making, of any more attempts to humiliate your brother, you'll get far worse than that, you hear me?" Sirius didn't look at her as he held a hand to his ear. "I'm your _mother_. I gave you life and by Merlin, you will obey me. Is that understood?"

"Yes," he whispered, looking at the ground. Walburga grabbed his chin and forced him to meet her gaze. Sirius knew she wasn't satisfied. "Yes," he repeated, louder.

"Good." She released him and gestured to his trunk. "Now on your way."

Sirius immediately grabbed his trunk, relief flooding him at the thought of the walls of the train separating them. Walburga took a step backwards to allow room for her son to board the train and noticed not only Annie, but Professor McGonagall watching with matching expressions of distaste. Walburga forced a smile then turned her shoulder on the two. She was content to let her son's Head of House think what she would, but after Sirius gave her a brief wave goodbye and disappeared into the train, she realized the old nosebone might misconstrue what she'd seen.

Once Annie was on the train, Walburga plastered on a fake smile and pretended to wave to Sirius, who wasn't even seated nor near a window yet, then sauntered over to the Hogwarts professor. "Mrs. McGonagall." She inclined her head.

"Professor, if you please," McGonagall corrected her.

"Of course." Walburga gave her a simpering smile. The other woman had noticed her slight, which she had intended, of course. "I trust that you received my request?"

"I did."

"And?"

McGonagall eyed Walburga. The two had gone to school together and couldn't have been more different. Despite her odd name, Walburga had been popular among the Slytherins and was always up to date with the latest fashions. McGonagall, on the other hand, had had a small group of close friends and was far more interested in learning and playing Quidditch to much care for her appearance. In fact, she rather despised Walburga for her obsession on her looks, for as McGonagall well knew from rumors and glimpses, Walburga's beauty was skin deep, at best.

Yet still, there was a lingering part of McGonagall that had been jealous of the attention Walburga received, particularly from men. She had married and had two children, which was something McGonagall had never done. While logically she knew it made no difference, a part of the professor felt as if not having children left her with something to prove to the women who did.

So when Walburga's letter requesting that Sirius be moved to another dormitory arrived, McGonagall's first reaction was to acquiesce to this mother's request. To trust her judgment for her child's well-being and to do as she said, not only because it was her right as a parent, but as a sort of peace-making between herself and the woman she would never be. Or so she had thought. But after watching how the woman had just manhandled her fourteen-year-old son, attempting to turn him into an obedient dog, she realized that her compliance had nothing to do with making peace. She'd agreed because the insecure part of herself wanted to ingratiate her to Walburga. To have the pretty, popular girl owe her something.

Absolutely not. The woman wouldn't know what was best for her son if it hit her in the face. She'd heard a rumor that Walburga Black had struck her son as soon as he got off the train when the holidays began. At the time she thought it to be an exaggeration, but after what she just witnessed, she realized the woman's beauty wasn't only skin deep. She was vile. McGonagall would have to take everything Walburga said to her with a grain of salt.

Squaring her shoulders, McGonagall adjusted her emerald travelling robes. "I'm sorry, but your request cannot be fulfilled. School policy."

Walburga's dainty features twisted in a sneer. "What?"

"Furthermore," McGonagall continued, "Sirius' class is rather large. There is nowhere else he could go without displacing another student."

"Displace him, then."

"I will do no such thing." The train whistled. "Now, if you'll excuse me. Good day, Mrs. Black."

Walburga's only response was to glare at McGonagall's back as she boarded the train.

James was already in the compartment with Remus and Peter by the time Sirius arrived. He stowed his trunk and though James watched him questioningly, he didn't say a word about giving him the cold shoulder. Not until the train stopped at Hogwarts.

"She would've seen, mate," Sirius said quietly as the two reached up for their trunks. "It would've set her off."

James sighed. "Yeah. I get it."

The two continued to the carriages in silence. Once on the grounds, the students gathered outside the Great Hall, chatting noisily as they waited for the doors to open. Sirius drew comfort from the commotion and the familiar sights and sounds of his school. To his surprise, he felt more comfortable there than in his own home.

"Hey," came a slightly husky voice to his side.

Sirius looked over to notice Annie. "Hi."

"Was that your mam?"

Sirius nodded. He felt a blush starting at the back of his neck at the thought of Annie having seen his mother bullying him.

"Right piece of work, she is."

Sirius slowly smirked. A tall Slytherin fifth-year sidled up to Annie and took her hand. She grinned and kissed his cheek. Something fell a little in Sirius' stomach as he watched.

"Jason, do you know Sirius?" Annie asked.

The tall boy peered over her and waved with a tight-lipped smile. "Hey."

Sirius jerked his head a little. "Hey."

Just then, the doors to the Great Hall opened and the students filed into the feast.

The next day, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter found themselves in a snowball fight in the courtyard. Remus and Sirius against James and Peter. Being around his friends again made him feel so welcomed that Sirius had felt the chill his mother left on his heart quickly melt away. When he spotted Regulus strolling past with his group of Slytherin friends, he grinned and waved him over from behind his snow wall. "Reg! Come defend me!"

A corner of Regulus' lips lifted in a smile, and he shifted his bodyweight as if he were going to step over, but then both he and Sirius caught sight of their cousin. Bellatrix arched an eyebrow as she watched. Regulus' smile faded, and Sirius felt a pang in his chest as his brother turned his back on him. Sirius watched him walk away through the fog of his breath.

"C'mon, Regulus, I need backup!"

Regulus ignored him and kept walking. Sirius caught Bellatrix smirking before she, too, turned her back on him. Like hell was she going to do his mother's bidding. For the first time, Sirius realized just how weak-willed Regulus was to so easily bend to their family's will.

"Look out!" Remus shouted. A snowball broke against their wall, peppering Sirius with cold, but he didn't blink. He kept his gaze trained on Bellatrix's back as he made a snowball. Then, with careful aim, he chucked it at her.

The snowball exploded on the small of Bellatrix's back and her squeak of shock made the students around her laugh. Sirius grinned. She whirled around to face him, drawing her wand. "You little…" she hissed, stomping over.

"Cinder-Bella, dressed in yellow when upstairs to kiss a fellow," Sirius taunted, rising to his feet as he made another snowball. James and Peter stood as well in a temporary cease-fire. "Made a mistake and kissed a snake, how many curses from Voldemort did she take?" The laughter died down at the mention of the Dark Lord's name. "One." He hurled the snowball and it hit her square in the chest. He hastily grabbed a handful of snow and threw it at her. "Two."

Bellatrix snarled, ignoring the snow clinging to her robes.

"Three," Sirius hurled another handful at her and it hit her on the cheek. He knew he should have his wand out but that somehow seemed cowardly, so instead he made himself as tall as he could while he balled another handful. "Will it be four then?"

Bellatrix stopped a few feet away. Remus' hand was on the handle of his wand inside his robes. Sirius swallowed hard but stared down his cousin, with whom he was now level in height. Bellatrix looked him up and down like a cat sizing up a mouse. "Why did you stop, cousin? Perhaps I'll finish it for you?" She casually flicked her wand and a gash appeared on the side of Sirius' face. "One."

Sirius gasped and dropped his snowball, hastily covering the bleeding wound.

"Two." She flicked her wand again and another cut appeared on Sirius' other cheek.

"Stop!" Remus barked, climbing to his feet and pointing his wand at Bellatrix.

"Three," Bellatrix continued, ignoring both Remus and the crowd of onlookers. "Four." Sirius grabbed is right side as two cuts burned there. Bellatrix glanced at Remus and with a flash, stripped him of his wand. She sneered at Sirius then continued in a clipped tone. "Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! Shall I start over again?"

Sirius was doing his best to keep the pain out of his face as he continued to hold her gaze, letting his hands fall limply to his side as his multiple gashes bled.

Bellatrix shrugged. "Have it your way, then." She raised her wand once more, only to have it fly out of her hand.

It zoomed to James Potter's outstretched fingers as he leveled his wand at her chest. "Hex him again and I swear, you'll regret it."

A dark look crossed Bellatrix's face before she plastered on an entirely false smile. "Everyone here is now a witness that James Potter has threatened me."

James marched across the courtyard and over to Sirius whose jaw was quivering slightly but was otherwise keeping up his charade of bravado. James held out his hand. "Remus' wand."

Bellatrix arched a brow. "Why?"

James arched one in return and made to break Bellatrix's wand over his knee, only to have her shriek and throw Remus' wand at her feet. James chuckled and waited until Remus had retrieved his wand before he held up Bellatrix's. "Fetch." He chucked it over her head. It landed in the snow at least ten yards away. Bellatrix sneered at James then marched off towards her wand.

"C'mon," Peter quietly said, resting a hand on James' back. Reluctantly, James turned his back on the witch who was still a way from her wand and gently urged Sirius to head inside with him. Before he stepped back into the castle, Sirius cast a glance around the crowd. When he caught sight of Regulus standing off to the side with a worried expression that told Sirius he'd seen the whole thing, Sirius' heart dipped. Regulus had just stood there and watched. He never once made a move to protect his brother.

And with that terrible thought, his walls fell down and all the gashes on his body started to hurt. He repressed as gasp until they were alone in the hallways inside then leaned against the wall. Remus pulled his robes aside to reveal his grey sweater blossomed with red. "You need to see Madam Pomfrey."

"He just stood there," Sirius said through gritted teeth.

"Who?" James asked.

"Like I wasn't his own brother. Like she wasn't his cousin. He just let it happen."

James and Remus shared a look then began trying to coax Sirius into walking. Numbly, Sirius followed them, placing one foot in front of the other, the blood staining the white shirt under his sweater making it feel heavy and sticky.

"How could he do that?"

"I don't know," Remus said, turning down the corridor that led to the Hospital Wing. "He was probably scared."

"Of what?" Sirius gasped, holding a hand to the side of his chest as a particularly nasty gash twanged. "She loves him. Everybody loves him. He's their favorite Slytherin. But if I even so much as put one toe out of line –" He groaned. "Merlin, this hurts."

"Just keep walking," James said, his voice tight with anger. He wanted to go back and do the same thing to Bellatrix that she'd done to Sirius. He wanted to get her expelled. To make her pay. After helping Sirius onto one of the hospital beds, he nodded at Remus then took off at a run. He didn't stop until he reached McGonagall's office.

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